When I hit a road block I like to start defining the crap out of what it is that's tearing me apart.
Background.. I have been feeling that I'm going to reach the end of my life and I will not have "accomplished" anything.
I am a college drop out, mother and wife.
The mother and wife aspect I'm feeling lately that I'm really not even doing those things well. So you can imagine how those thoughts are damaging my insides. Thoughts that I have created for some reason but an upset is the universe setting you up (upset = set up) to learn something.. to make a change..
So that's been the reason for my absense this week.
When I feel myself in a low vibration I tend to close the world off so I can take the time to solve the problem I'm having.
Here is what I've found today...
The definition of accomplishment is this: something that has been achieved successfully.
The definition of achieve: reach or attain (a desired objective, level, or result) by effort, skill, or courage
So then I went on to see what the definition is of success is... which is this:
the accomplishment of an aim or purpose.
This is seeming cyclical but let's just roll with it...
The definition of purpose: the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists.
And we are back to purpose.
The whole freaking reason that I started this journey 4 years ago. I feel like I'm back at the start again. I feel like I went in a circle..
I have learned.. I have grown.. but I'm still lost.
And it's devastating as you can imagine.
The "reason" for which I do things is my family.
In the past I have defined my purpose as love. To be love.
To create and share and inspire others with what I have. In general the focus tends to be on lack.. what we're missing.. but I thought I was past that..
I know I can't be at the end because I'm not dead... but what I've learned is that enlightenment isn't an answer... awakening isn't an answer..
And if I am searching for an answer wtf is the question!?!?!
(please excuse my profane abbreviation emotions running high here)
I know that happiness is a choice.. that I can choose to allow what I am to be enough.. because in reality I am enough. I have as much potential now as I did when I was born and I will have the same potential the day I die.
I am an infinite being... there is no way to measure how powerful we are as humans.. our brains are more powerful than any technology that has ever been created in this entire world yet here I am.. still fighting with my ego. Still allowing my ego and the idea of "shoulds" to destroy me.
I don't know what it is that I'm even searching for.
I think I must meditate and stop my brain for a while.
Please hold me in some positive vibes folks. I'm down but not out.
I will return. And I will be stronger. I will be my greatest self.
It already exists within me. I just have to accept me for the amazing creation that I am. I am God's greatest creation.
Or the Universe's greatest creation whatever I am creation.
I am human.
Yet I spit on myself.
I think that I am reaching to be something other than myself.
Which is impossible. Because I can only be me.
I can't be anyone else. I can't be you anymore than you can be me...
Love is still the answer. If in fact there must be an answer..
Love is it.
And I suppose if I can be love... if I can wake up everyday with love in my heart.. ready to accept what it is the day has for me and approach it with love than I have accomplished success.
Then I can leave this world one day with a smile on my face knowing that I always gave everything I had. That I loved as hard as I could.
And I can live in peace knowing that I will one day die with that same peace in my heart.
And since I am now looking through the tears welling up in my eyes I know that I must be onto something.